Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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