I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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