Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
