The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
