Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
