As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
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buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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