omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
