I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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