Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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