Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
