You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
