i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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