I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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