There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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