i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
dude. I can hear the air.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
