I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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