i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I could make wine with my vomit
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
