Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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