I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
