My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
