My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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