just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'