Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
