i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Randomize
