listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
