I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
