When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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