Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
