You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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