There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
