Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
