Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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