so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
