areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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