Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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