Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
