A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
