so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You ruined the universe
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
