i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
