Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
