i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
