We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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