i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
