my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
