I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
