I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
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i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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