She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
