I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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