He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
