Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
