i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
