I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
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these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize