I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
