I think my fart just growled at me.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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