i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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