When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
