I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Sober January is a disaster.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
