We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
