dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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