Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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